Moving on.

I'm moving on to a new blog... In this one i've vented, complained, cried, talked about how much life sucks, and that i don't get it, and many other petty things (with a few good posts thrown in). but i'm going to put it all behind me. I'd like if you do the same. However, i'm not deleting the blog. it's something that happened, i'm not about to take it back. so read it if you want but i'll have you know that i'm going to forget as much of it as possible. Yes, i'll still have petty days, and venting times, and crap filling my life. but we'll see what i can do to make life better... that is all...



My new blog is   http://madeforsomething.blogspot.com/


See you there.

Coded

I have a secret code. I know that sounds like something for kids... but why should they get to keep codes for themselves? I actually developed this one lately for a certain purpose. See, i like to write/doodle things whenever i'm bored, or in a lesson or sermon (just to clarify, most sermons are not boring, i just pay better attention if i'm drawing), but usually i'm sitting next to people, who i don't want reading what i write. So... i figure if i write things in code, only i can read them. that's the point of not writing in plain english, because i don't want people to be able to read it. I write on my arm alot too, i'll further expound on that... I put my heart on my sleeve (arm)... you just can't read it. As a matter of fact, 2 people other than me know the code, i don't know if they remember it, but they know it. I have alot of things going on in my life that no one else can understand... they don't try, but even if they did, they wouldn't believe me. Recently when i tried to tell the truth about something in my life, i got told to "stop lying". so as you can see, i've in some ways been trained to keep things inside, and hidden. For some reason my mind thinks if i get things onto my arm, out in the open, that i can be a little less bottled up. Hey, as long as it helps, i'll keep doing it. even though no one else can read it, it still helps for some reason. when i'm forced to stuff everything, i get depressed, upset, mad, hysterical, and teary.... i don't want to be that. after i started to put my life on my arm... it helps, don't ask why, i don't exactly know. It's probably a psycho unconscious thing, but i don't really care. so when you see things on my arm, it's what i need there. you can feel free to ask what it says, but if i don't tell you, don't get offended.  Like i said, there are 2 people who know my code, i trust them with what's on my arm, if i trust you enough, and i know you'll understand me enough t be able to get what's going on with me, then i may teach you the code... but like i said, if i don't, don't take it personally. I'm coded, both literally and emotionally. If you actually take the time to care, and try to figure me out... I'll probably love you forever.

well, that's it for tonight.
Alanna

'Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all.

ok, so i said i had nothing to say, then i watched a movie, now i have something to say. In the movie i watched as a girl was tossed about like a worthless piece of garbage. first she was with her real mother, who was a witch and a freak, and went to jail. then with a woman who ended up shooting her in a jealous rage (she lived through it). then she finally landed with a woman who loved her, and cared about her, and wanted to know her. the girl gave love in return, but only to loose the woman to suicide. ( other circumstances in the woman's life caused her to give up). so here's this girl, unloved, uncared for, and back in the system. she had the chance to go with a family that seemed great. but she said no, and picked a thieving, prostituteish, uncaring, unloving woman instead. she didn't want to love anyone ever again, for fear they'd leave her in some way shape or form. I think she made a huge mistake. because even though all she'd ever seen in life was filled with lies, or taken away; she chose to never give love again. a quote i really like is:

 ’Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all.-Alfred, Lord Tennyson

i agree with that. now i've definitely had my share of loss, betrayal, and pain. But it's in the moments where i'm getting a little bit of love, where i find life. (read my previous blog on love for more insight into my take on love) many of the people i've loved the most, i now wouldn't trust with a single secret; they proved themselves not worthy of my love in some way or another. but those are things that have made me grow like nothing else. they've taught me what to look for in love, what to watch for, and what to strive for in myself. A friend of mine's mother told her (on the subject of crushes) "Like guys, like lots of guys, you don't need to pursue all of them, but examine them. figure out what you like about them, what you don't like, and the qualitys you want in yourself when you do find your right guy. it'll help you to build your lists, for him, and for yourself. if you never like guys you'll never know what to look for when the time's right."... i think that this doesn't just apply to guys (or girls if your a guy obviously). to me it applies to all relationships. i give love very freely, when i see someone i think i can trust with it. (when i say love i don't mean any of the physical things that sometimes come along with love).  yes, many times i'm forced to take my love elsewhere, either because people a) don't want it. or b) don't deserve it. but i always learn new things, with every person i've loved i see more of what to look for. and the people that are still on my "list of loves" (i mean that in the best way. list of friends, family and guys. not just romantic love)  ... i pray every day that they'll stay there. because they are a huge part of why i'm still here, they may not know it, but it's true. almost every day i'm meeting people, analyzing them, thinking "can i love this person?", lots of times i take the leap and try it, for the simple reason that i hope it works. does it often? no. but will i ever stop trying? i sure hope not.

reading over this i'm thinking "dang, i'm so human." i love those that deserving it?, i love people that love me in return, and want my love?... if my god was like me, we'd all be screwed. that's the truth. He loved us before we even gave a damn about him. we weren't worthy of his love, and still aren't. But yet, He loved us and still does.

Disclaimer: I try to do what god wants me to do, i do sometimes choose to love people who
can't/won't/don't give love in return. I know i need to give love sometimes without getting anything back. I'm ok with that, in fact those often teach me more than the other kind of love. So don't take this blog as me being a selfish brat (to put it lightly) who's only willing to love the people that will/can give it back. I love to love, and i love to serve. Especially those who need it the most. My heart has soooo much to give. i'd love to give it all. i just need a little bit back sometimes. and i like to be needed/wanted. i'm human, don't judge me too harshly.


Best wishes and LOVE.
Alanna
(btw, the movie finally ended with her realizing that she needed to trust again, and she finally found someone worth loving, who loved her in return. it didn't just end with her as a wreck)

Blah... Bleebity, Blah.

I have nothing to say... not really. But it's snowing like...like... oh i don't even know what it's snowing like. There's a freakin' lot of snow though! And i have a nice fire to sit by!! and a great big, fantastic book to read!!! This'll be fun. "Oh the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful. And since we've no place to go... let it snow, let it snow, let it snow."... Now if only i had someone to snuggle with. that would be divinely perfect ;)
That is all.

Giving up.

i don't mean giving up as like a failure... well in a way i guess i do.  it's on my part, and i guess i'm ok with that.  Today i was thinking about life, in general, and how much it sucks. let's face it, your life might be ok and not bad, but mine's sure not. It looks that way to everyone on the outside. But this earth is the closest to hell i'll ever get, that's the honest truth.  but anyway, i was thinking about how i've been waiting for it to get better, for the time that's coming (or so i think) when i can make it better. but i now know, it might not get any better; maybe in some ways, but for all i know other things could come along that're even worse. so i'm just gonna say, screw it. why try sooooo hard to make things better, and force them to look ok, when they're not? So i told god today, hey, i,ve been following you since i can remember, and always expecting that life would be some great, godly, loving, fantastic experience, or that it would get that way. But even if it sucks the whole way through; you can have the nothing that i am. you can lead me through the pain, you can even throw me to the streets and never let me see your face. but i know you're still here, you still care, and i'll see you in heaven someday! i'm really looking forward to that. maybe tomorrow, or maybe when i'm  a hundred and twelve. but go ahead, do your best or worst for me. i'll still follow you, and do my best to have a good time no matter what my situation. i'll tell people you're good, and believe it, even if i never see it 'till heaven.

Hebrews 10:32-11:1

Remember those earlier days after you had received the light, when you endured in a great conflict full of suffering. Sometimes you were publicly exposed to insult and persecution; at other times you stood side by side with those who were so treated. You suffered along with those in prison and joyfully accepted the confiscation of your property, because you knew that you yourselves had better and lasting possessions. So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For,  “In just a little while, he who is coming will come and will not delay.”  And, “But my righteous one will live by faith. And I take no pleasure in the one who shrinks back.”  But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved. Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

That whole thing, That's why i'm here.  in the last verse it says "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for..." you've probably heard that verse before, but never with what comes before it. Go read it all again. Did you do it?... Good. Now lets go a little bit deeper.

Faith: belief that is not based on proof.

Substance: (a) that of which a thing consists; physical matter or material. 
                 (b)the actual matter of a thing, as opposed to the appearance or shadow; reality.

Hope: the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for..."

So, lets get this straight, Belief that is not based on proof is Physical matter?... wha? .but just wait, i'm just getting going... to take it a little further, Belief that's not based on proof, that is physical matter of  things that you want, and believe can be had ... so........... (i've probably already lost you...) Faith is PHYSICAL MATTER (just can't get over that one...) of things hoped for... C.R.A.Z.Y. if you look more into the definition of "substance" it's not just a shadow, or invisible/imagined thing.  blaugh! i can't even wrap my head around it... but just wait... the next part goes like this

"...the evidence of things not seen."

Evidence: something that makes plain or clear; an indication or sign, proof.

So Faith is the physical matter of a feeling that you can have what you want (things hoped for), and it  proves that things invisible, are real.
oh blah... i think i'm starting to loose myself... but when you really dig into what faith is, it's some crazy stuff!

basically though, i'm in. (don't get me wrong, i've been "in" for a long time, and followed him for a long time, but i'm way more clear now) i'll trust in all of that (what i just detailed)... i probably lost you a long time ago, but basically i'll follow god through all of crappy life, do my best, and let him control everything... even if he's just trying to show other people that people can believe in him, and he's worth it, even if life sucks the whole way through.

WHOOO... That's waaaaaayy too much thinking on a single topic for my brain to handle. So, Night :')

Ahh Man... Love.

I hate it so much when i want to get to be better friends with someone, and i get shut down. It's like i'm actually willing to trust you, and hear you, and be here for you. And you don't want that. See i don't get that. If someone genuinely wanted to know me, and care about me in any way at all, i'd probably grab. I'm a very love energized person... when i don't get any at all i just feel like crap. I'm not even talking about ushy gooshy boy girl love (though that would be great too!!!) but just friend, family, genuine love... i can think of... about 6 people right now that i know genuinely care about me. 5 are miles away, and the other has a super busy life right now... don't get me wrong, there're other people that love what they see of me, and care about me. but they don't know my inner thoughts, they don't express to me what they think of me, and they don't want/have time to know all of me. I've wanted love for as long as i can remember... it's what i run on. (i'm not even gonna get into gods love in this blog... i'm referring to earthly fleshy love) when i don't get it... i slowly turn to ashes. even a little love gets me a L>>>o>>>n>>>g>>> way. i'm not one of those super needy, clingy people. I just want a little love. My biggest love languages are Touch, and Words. One of my friends has no idea just how much i suck from the few hugs i get from them, because i can tell it's a genuine hug, from someone who loves me for who i am, where i'm at. That same person has given me compliments, and made comments about me that i drain off of for months and months afterwords. once again, because i know they're genuine, and they're coming from a person who i respect almost more than life... almost. Basically what i'm getting at, is i'm here, ready and waiting, willing to give as much love as possible. I just want to give it to someone who will appreciate it, and give even a little in return.

The real me.

I find that i'm a Very different person when it's just me and someone else. i'm not the same in a group, i don't always show the true me... though i do try. When i get alone with someone, just to talk, i'm not as loud as i am in a group, and many times i just want to listen. I like to know about people, what they're thinking, how they feel about certain topics, what's going on in their lives and emotions... and all the other things people like to hide. Not because i'm a busybody, or want to tell other people... but because i want to truly know people. one of my very favorite things to do is either to have someone over, just to talk, and maybe drink coffee or tea. or go to someones house and do the same... or driving is good too. Just me and someone else in a car going somewhere. I don't have many people that i actually feel free to talk to, and the ones that i do usually don't have time for me. i really hate it, because i feel like no one actually cares enough to want to see the real me. I can't think of a single person that i've told everything to. I have so many things just beneath the surface that i'm longing to get out. but i can't just tell them to anybody. And the people i do want to tell, never have time, or they live too far away. So it's like i have to just act like everything about my life is just fine and dandy... but it's not.  i wish i had even one person who wanted to talk with me, and i wanted to trust. Don't get me wrong though... i don't just want to just vent to someone... I want to be truly known, for who i am, and be able to know that someone still cares about me, knowing all of my secrets. But like i said, i want to know about people too. all of their secrets, and dreams. I want real relationships. Like god intends for us. I want to have friends who are willing to take the time to find the real me.


(I'm not saying that i'm fake in groups. I'm just completely different.)