Coded

I have a secret code. I know that sounds like something for kids... but why should they get to keep codes for themselves? I actually developed this one lately for a certain purpose. See, i like to write/doodle things whenever i'm bored, or in a lesson or sermon (just to clarify, most sermons are not boring, i just pay better attention if i'm drawing), but usually i'm sitting next to people, who i don't want reading what i write. So... i figure if i write things in code, only i can read them. that's the point of not writing in plain english, because i don't want people to be able to read it. I write on my arm alot too, i'll further expound on that... I put my heart on my sleeve (arm)... you just can't read it. As a matter of fact, 2 people other than me know the code, i don't know if they remember it, but they know it. I have alot of things going on in my life that no one else can understand... they don't try, but even if they did, they wouldn't believe me. Recently when i tried to tell the truth about something in my life, i got told to "stop lying". so as you can see, i've in some ways been trained to keep things inside, and hidden. For some reason my mind thinks if i get things onto my arm, out in the open, that i can be a little less bottled up. Hey, as long as it helps, i'll keep doing it. even though no one else can read it, it still helps for some reason. when i'm forced to stuff everything, i get depressed, upset, mad, hysterical, and teary.... i don't want to be that. after i started to put my life on my arm... it helps, don't ask why, i don't exactly know. It's probably a psycho unconscious thing, but i don't really care. so when you see things on my arm, it's what i need there. you can feel free to ask what it says, but if i don't tell you, don't get offended.  Like i said, there are 2 people who know my code, i trust them with what's on my arm, if i trust you enough, and i know you'll understand me enough t be able to get what's going on with me, then i may teach you the code... but like i said, if i don't, don't take it personally. I'm coded, both literally and emotionally. If you actually take the time to care, and try to figure me out... I'll probably love you forever.

well, that's it for tonight.
Alanna