Giving up.

i don't mean giving up as like a failure... well in a way i guess i do.  it's on my part, and i guess i'm ok with that.  Today i was thinking about life, in general, and how much it sucks. let's face it, your life might be ok and not bad, but mine's sure not. It looks that way to everyone on the outside. But this earth is the closest to hell i'll ever get, that's the honest truth.  but anyway, i was thinking about how i've been waiting for it to get better, for the time that's coming (or so i think) when i can make it better. but i now know, it might not get any better; maybe in some ways, but for all i know other things could come along that're even worse. so i'm just gonna say, screw it. why try sooooo hard to make things better, and force them to look ok, when they're not? So i told god today, hey, i,ve been following you since i can remember, and always expecting that life would be some great, godly, loving, fantastic experience, or that it would get that way. But even if it sucks the whole way through; you can have the nothing that i am. you can lead me through the pain, you can even throw me to the streets and never let me see your face. but i know you're still here, you still care, and i'll see you in heaven someday! i'm really looking forward to that. maybe tomorrow, or maybe when i'm  a hundred and twelve. but go ahead, do your best or worst for me. i'll still follow you, and do my best to have a good time no matter what my situation. i'll tell people you're good, and believe it, even if i never see it 'till heaven.

Hebrews 10:32-11:1

Remember those earlier days after you had received the light, when you endured in a great conflict full of suffering. Sometimes you were publicly exposed to insult and persecution; at other times you stood side by side with those who were so treated. You suffered along with those in prison and joyfully accepted the confiscation of your property, because you knew that you yourselves had better and lasting possessions. So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For,  “In just a little while, he who is coming will come and will not delay.”  And, “But my righteous one will live by faith. And I take no pleasure in the one who shrinks back.”  But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved. Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

That whole thing, That's why i'm here.  in the last verse it says "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for..." you've probably heard that verse before, but never with what comes before it. Go read it all again. Did you do it?... Good. Now lets go a little bit deeper.

Faith: belief that is not based on proof.

Substance: (a) that of which a thing consists; physical matter or material. 
                 (b)the actual matter of a thing, as opposed to the appearance or shadow; reality.

Hope: the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for..."

So, lets get this straight, Belief that is not based on proof is Physical matter?... wha? .but just wait, i'm just getting going... to take it a little further, Belief that's not based on proof, that is physical matter of  things that you want, and believe can be had ... so........... (i've probably already lost you...) Faith is PHYSICAL MATTER (just can't get over that one...) of things hoped for... C.R.A.Z.Y. if you look more into the definition of "substance" it's not just a shadow, or invisible/imagined thing.  blaugh! i can't even wrap my head around it... but just wait... the next part goes like this

"...the evidence of things not seen."

Evidence: something that makes plain or clear; an indication or sign, proof.

So Faith is the physical matter of a feeling that you can have what you want (things hoped for), and it  proves that things invisible, are real.
oh blah... i think i'm starting to loose myself... but when you really dig into what faith is, it's some crazy stuff!

basically though, i'm in. (don't get me wrong, i've been "in" for a long time, and followed him for a long time, but i'm way more clear now) i'll trust in all of that (what i just detailed)... i probably lost you a long time ago, but basically i'll follow god through all of crappy life, do my best, and let him control everything... even if he's just trying to show other people that people can believe in him, and he's worth it, even if life sucks the whole way through.

WHOOO... That's waaaaaayy too much thinking on a single topic for my brain to handle. So, Night :')