I went running tonight... i needed to think uninterrupted, and there was no way that was going to happen anywhere but out. I ran til my lungs were burning, my legs wanted to give out, and i couldn't breathe. I literally collapsed on the grass on the side of the road. it was then that i realized that i was crying. i just laid there, its a almost non traveled road, that's why i run there, so i didn't have to worry about other humans. i laid there with my face in the ground asking why. I read This portion of amos the other day, i hate it.
“I gave you empty stomachs in every city and lack of bread in every town, yet you have not returned to me,” declares the LORD. “I also withheld rain from you when the harvest was still three months away. I sent rain on one town, but withheld it from another. One field had rain; another had none and dried up. People staggered from town to town for water but did not get enough to drink, yet you have not returned to me,” declares the LORD. “Many times I struck your gardens and vineyards, destroying them with blight and mildew. Locusts devoured your fig and olive trees, yet you have not returned to me,” declares the LORD. “I sent plagues among you as I did to Egypt. I killed your young men with the sword, along with your captured horses. I filled your nostrils with the stench of your camps, yet you have not returned to me,” declares the LORD. “I overthrew some of you as I overthrew Sodom and Gomorrah. You were like a burning stick snatched from the fire, yet you have not returned to me,” declares the LORD. (Amos 4:6-11)
I feel like god's been throwing everything he can at me, and allowing so many crappy things to harm me. I never left him, it's not like i can return to him... i wish it was so, but instead i just have to lie here and ask why. and more things just keep getting added to the pile... when i could breathe again i got slowly to my feet... i was right across the road from this tiny chapel. really?... he lets me collapse at precisely this spot. fail. it was right about there that i had to face the fact that god doesn't have to give me a reason for anything. he doesn't have to make my life better, and he doesn't have to help me understand anything... he's still god, he's still here, and i'm still a wretch. it doesn't matter how long i choose to beat my head against the ground. he owes me nothing. i'm coming to the realization that while i need no one but got, and even though when i have no one else, he's here... he doesn't have to make my life a joy if he doesn't see fit. i thought that i could just forget about the crap and the lack of love around me and just focus on his love, no mater what i do he loves me... but i don't feel it at all right now, if there was any time i wished he'd talk into my life... it would be now. so i guess i just get to sit, in a lack of earthly love, without feeling gods love... and force myself to focus on his love that i don't feel. I needed to cry my heart out to god tonight, i needed to realize he owes me nothing, and i needed to realize that it doesn't mater what i do, life will always have pain, i will always have unfilled voids, and things will always go wrong. But through it all, God still is. even if he does nothing but be, he still rules, sees, and controls everything. i'll be ok, i'm sure i'll see alot bigger problems as i grow older, and i'll learn to have joy through the pain. but all in all... ashes i am. (isaiah 61:1-3)
“I gave you empty stomachs in every city and lack of bread in every town, yet you have not returned to me,” declares the LORD. “I also withheld rain from you when the harvest was still three months away. I sent rain on one town, but withheld it from another. One field had rain; another had none and dried up. People staggered from town to town for water but did not get enough to drink, yet you have not returned to me,” declares the LORD. “Many times I struck your gardens and vineyards, destroying them with blight and mildew. Locusts devoured your fig and olive trees, yet you have not returned to me,” declares the LORD. “I sent plagues among you as I did to Egypt. I killed your young men with the sword, along with your captured horses. I filled your nostrils with the stench of your camps, yet you have not returned to me,” declares the LORD. “I overthrew some of you as I overthrew Sodom and Gomorrah. You were like a burning stick snatched from the fire, yet you have not returned to me,” declares the LORD. (Amos 4:6-11)
I feel like god's been throwing everything he can at me, and allowing so many crappy things to harm me. I never left him, it's not like i can return to him... i wish it was so, but instead i just have to lie here and ask why. and more things just keep getting added to the pile... when i could breathe again i got slowly to my feet... i was right across the road from this tiny chapel. really?... he lets me collapse at precisely this spot. fail. it was right about there that i had to face the fact that god doesn't have to give me a reason for anything. he doesn't have to make my life better, and he doesn't have to help me understand anything... he's still god, he's still here, and i'm still a wretch. it doesn't matter how long i choose to beat my head against the ground. he owes me nothing. i'm coming to the realization that while i need no one but got, and even though when i have no one else, he's here... he doesn't have to make my life a joy if he doesn't see fit. i thought that i could just forget about the crap and the lack of love around me and just focus on his love, no mater what i do he loves me... but i don't feel it at all right now, if there was any time i wished he'd talk into my life... it would be now. so i guess i just get to sit, in a lack of earthly love, without feeling gods love... and force myself to focus on his love that i don't feel. I needed to cry my heart out to god tonight, i needed to realize he owes me nothing, and i needed to realize that it doesn't mater what i do, life will always have pain, i will always have unfilled voids, and things will always go wrong. But through it all, God still is. even if he does nothing but be, he still rules, sees, and controls everything. i'll be ok, i'm sure i'll see alot bigger problems as i grow older, and i'll learn to have joy through the pain. but all in all... ashes i am. (isaiah 61:1-3)
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