Prodigal me?... yes please.

Prodigal: (my definition for this blog) on the run from everything you've been in forever, leaving/shunning all that's expected of you, fleeing the monotonous lies. (no that's not the real meaning, but that's my meaning... don't hate.) Someone mentioned the story of the prodigal son to me today. As i was pondering this and ignoring said person (sorry... add) i was thinking about my own situation. i've not run from god and i'm not planning to. but in a more literal sense i would love to run away, find my own story and take an inheritance... i have no inheritance planned for me to my knowledge so screw that. but to just leave, do what i want, make my own family (in reference to friends... maybe marriage, idk)  and do my own thing. I've just recently established in myself that the only being that i need in my life, and can depend on is God. So i've found a whole new rhythm where i don't have to rely on my family, or so called friends for love. I'm surrounded by a lot of fakes in my life with very few real friends. I hate being surrounded by that. I might mention that my only real friends live in other cities too... oh wait, there's one in town, i lied. but still, i hate it here. I cried myself to sleep in the van leaving Maranatha last night. Not as much that we were leaving... more that i was coming back to the place i'm forced to call "home". I felt like a fool and pretended to be asleep, because i've been forced to keep up a tough facade for a long time. If i always let people see what they do to me, i'd be crying a whole damn lot. I don't want to be seen like that, even though it's because of people whom i don't care to see anyway. I also don't want to be fit into the "good little church girl" mold either... i mean, i want to be good, i'd die without Jesus in my life (spiritually and literally), and i want to be a woman after gods own heart. but i'm not perfect, and i don't plan on being seen as a perfect person. I'm not. I'm not however saying that i'm going to go and purposefully sin to brake that image either, What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase?  By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? - Romans 6:1-2. but i'm want to let the people see what i really am, they might get shocked but that's their own problem. I want a life as a prodigal to familys and churches full of facaded, hypocritical, fake people. Just me, my god, and my "family" of only my friends who are real. I think i would receive some real love there. Another reason i cried leaving camp was that there were people there who genuinely love me... they treat me as the imperfect, wretched, human that i am, but they love me, and when one of them hugs me i never want to let go. I had that for a weekend, and then i had to drive away from it, i saw no way around it. ah crap i'm crying again... but i don't feel that here. i get love from some people here, some because they have to, some who stuff me into a facade, and some because they expect me to do certain things, and secretly despise me when i don't. it's so damn conditional, i'm not saying that all human love isn't, but some is just so close to pure that i'm addicted to it. I'll be 18 in exactly 410 days, time freaking crawls by, and in moments when i want it to freeze forever, it's always over the second i blink. i don't think i can get out of here legally yet, i'm a high school graduate, but i'm too young to leave without being counted as a runaway (with a few exceptions including school, or summer camp counseling... but i don't have the money for the school i might want yet). i'm praying to god for my direction out, and to sustain my will til then. I want to be a prodigal from everything i'm stuck in. Just prodigal me, at gods feet. If you have any idea how i can do this (ha, that is if this actually ends up getting read) please tell me... if you have no clue... pray for me. i just want to know what gods plan is, and have the strength to do it.